Pumping... Emotional Break Down

Emotional Break Down

The last couple of weeks I feel like I have been walking around two seconds away from a break down. My plate is so full. There are so many things I feel like I have to be or am supposed to be… and I like to be great or at least good at what I do. These feelings can be and can get very overwhelming.

There is so much going on the little things can make me snap.

My health issues, have been extreme recently, and have added to the emotional wackiness.

But the main thing that made me tick… having issues with my breast milk supply.

Since I can remember I always said I would breastfeed my children. Then the news of twins and I was still determined that I would breastfeed. It was actually one of the first questions I asked when I found out I was having twins… “Will I be able to breastfeed both of them?”

I was told from that 8 week ultrasound appointment that I could breastfeed twins but it would be hard and a lot of work. NO KIDDING.

Then the twins were born 7 weeks early. They had no suck and swallow reflex, they had to be feed through a feeding tube and we had to know exactly how much they were taking in at each feed to make sure they were getting enough and growing properly… so no breastfeeding.

So began my relationship with breast pumping. I pumped the first night they were born.

I wasn’t even allowed to try to breastfeed until they were 8 weeks old. At this time I had to use a nipple shield because of nipple confusion. The twins did not understand how the breast did not give them milk as fast as the bottle. They got frustrated and would scream in my face. Or they would eat for about 10 minutes… breastfeeding is so much harder on the baby, they got tired quicker… and then a hour later were crying because they didn’t get enough and were still hungry.

So when I breastfeed all I was doing was trying to feed two screaming babies around the clock without help. This just did NOT work for our family. So I continued to pump and bottle feed.

Lactation consultations (in my experience) really push you to breastfeed vs pump and bottle feed. But with me going back to work full time and the twins getting such a late start I knew it wasn’t a real opinion for me.

I have been pumping at work for 2 months now and last week the strangest thing happened. I got up to pump one morning and only pumped about 4 ounces a normal morning pump on average is about 16 ounces. This was strange. The day continued and I had very small pumps. Confused I read everything and did everything to try to increase my supply (except for Fenugreek because it supposed to bad for my thyroid issues)… and a long story short nothing worked.

            I read that this instant sudden/strange change could mean I was pregnant. Well I knew that was very unlikely. Then I read it could have been because on my menstrual cycle which was on track to start. Many women do not have their menstrual cycle when breastfeeding or pumping. But I have had my cycle every 28 days like clockwork since July. I have always been a 28 day on the dot girl. In the past months my cycle hasn’t affected my supply.

So I thought my milk was leaving me. I was depressed. Pumping for the twins is a very emotional experience for me. I think it’s a NICU thing. My babies were in the NICU/PCN for 23 days. Pumping milk for my babies was the only thing that I could do for the babies that the nurses could not. It was the only thing I could do to feel like I was a mom, to feel like I was their mom!

So after a week of having supply issues…. Tuesday night I took the Fenugreek, I woke up Wed morning and my breasts were hard and full of milk. I sat down to pump and only pumped 3 ounces. I busted into tears.

I kept thinking I couldn’t stay pregnant long enough and now I can’t pump long enough.

To sum up this story since I started it last week and haven’t yet to finish due to ongoing efforts to solve the problem.

Here’s the update… my pump broke/was broke/ important piece was broke, caused supply drop. After searching to rent a hospital grade pump and having little luck due to the affordable care act breast pump rentals are covered under most insurance plans and will be covered under all starting Jan 1. (Mine won’t cover it until Jan 1.) The pharmacist informed me because of this they are having a hard time keeping them in stock. GREAT! Since they are free rentals why would you spend $300+ on one when you can rent a much nicer $2000 one for free.

Finally I got in touch with the lactation consultation at our predication office. They had pumps for rent! However since they are having the same issues (trouble keeping them in stock) they are guarding them. When I explained that I thought something was wrong with my pump she informed me that my pump is under warranty and that MEDELA needed to fix it ASAP. She told me that they have really good customer service and that they would send someone out to my house to fix it if necessary.

So I called Medela… they were friendly, but they made me trouble shoot, take my pump apart, and basically told me there was nothing wrong with my pump except that the yellow value was cracked. They said thats what was causing the lack of suction. So I went to the store bought new ones and extra ones… changed them out and it still didn’t work!

This is what my yellow value looked like…

 

So make sure all your parts are in proper condition before trying to trouble shoot with Medela. Replacing them did NOT help me. But it is good to know to keep all parts in good condition to eliminate loss of suction problems. Check your manual, they also have this info online at their website if you have misplaced your manual.

This lead to the mental breakdown which resulted in a crying fest and me calling out from work because I could not function due to the overwhelming stress and guilt I was feeling for not being able to give my babies breast milk.

After much searching, I found a place that I could rent a Medela Sympathy from (they do not accept insurance = had it in stock). Rented it, came home and in the first 15 minutes of using it I pumped 13 ounces. So it was my pump that was not working!

I spent the last couple of days pumping as much as possible to get my supply back up and even got a prescription of Reglan from my OBGYN.

Pumping/Breast feeding is a very emotional and hard thing. It is very important and personal for me and I am so happy that I am able to do it for my children.

-         Heather