Pumping...Almost 8 months

 I feel like pumping controls my life. It is so physically, emotionally, and mental draining. With the babies growing and drinking more and more pumping and making enough for them while working a 40 hour a week job has gotten harder and harder. Before I went back to work I pumped every 3 hours and made more than enough for the babies. I had a giant freezer stash when I went back to work when the twins were 4 months old. Since then my freezer stash is down to 18 ounces (I am not quite sure why I haven’t used it yet). I almost completely lost my supply when my pump broke. I was able to build back up but it still isn’t enough and I still have to supplement with formula.

I have had my menstrual cycle every month since July… and having my menstrual changes how much milk I produce. So on the week I am ovulating I produce less milk and on the week I have my period I produce less. So there are two weeks out of the month where I am making less and my babies are getting more formula.

Also before working I pumped every 3 hours from 6am-9pm or midnight equally 6-7 pumps a day. Now that I am back to work full-time I can only pump 4 times a day. If I was able to pump the 6-7 times a day I know I would have a huge supply increase…. But here’s the thing I can’t do everything!

I am starting to understand that.

This is ovulation week. Yesterday my babies got 2 breast milk bottles and 3 formula bottles. I know some is better than none. But I am starting to question if all this effort is really worth it. I spent 2 hours of my day pumping yesterday and it wasn’t good enough.

I have done everything to increase my supply. I have tried every trick in the book. I know what works for me and what doesn’t. But it’s a cycle, an endless cycle.

Having a good two weeks of pumping… followed my two weeks of not so good pumping. I am blaming this on my menstrual cycle. Even in the good two weeks of pumping my twins still get 1 or 2 formula bottles a day because even in the good weeks I do not pump enough or make enough to feed them breast milk all day.

I had two weeks off of teaching during Winter Break. During these two weeks I was able to pump more and give the babies mostly all breast milk. It was a great feeling. But it made me realize that I can feed my babies. But I can’t feed my babies and work 40 hours a week.

I know this post is very scattered but that’s because my emotions and thoughts on pumping are always scattered.

One day I hate it and want to quit. One day I am never quitting! There’s always a reason that keeps me going.

My thoughts and emotions have become more complete since returning to work.

What is the point of pumping and stressing myself out about it to still give my babies formula? Sometimes 3 times a day? Would I be a happier mom if I can give up pumping and make the switch to formula?

 Feeding twins for 8 months is an accomplishment and I should be proud of myself. But of course I find a reason to keep doing it… flu season… stabilizing my thyroid… 9 months, 9 months, 1 more month, 1 more month. I can do it.

BLAH,

Heather