I knew I should have updated since the last post sooner, so much of what has happened to me is now a blur. The first week I was undergoing so many test and getting use to all the drugs they have me on I was totally out of it and did not feel well most days. I take 14 scheduled pills every day and Zofran and heartburn medication as needed. I take a muscle relaxer every 6 hours. This muscle relaxer is supposed to relax my uterus so I will not have any contractions. I am pretty much use to it now. But when I started taking it, it made me so loopy and gave me the worse migraines I have ever had. They were so bad that light could cause me to throw up and every sound lingered through every part of my body. I was given percocet to dull the pain and that would only ease the pain for about an hour at time. So I avoided taking it all together because it didn’t really make much of a difference and I worry about its effect on my babies. They say all these drugs are harmless to the babies but I have a hard time believing that. I have already decided that I have to put my trust in my doctors so even though it seems strange I take my 14 scheduled pills a day without much of a fight.
On Wednesday by body started to get use to all the treatments I am on, the headaches diminished, and I started to feel like myself. Well this caused denial to set in. “Why I am here? I am fine, I am want to go home! I can be on bed rest at home!” I shed a lot of tears and tried my best to remind myself what the goal was and to think about all the positives to being here. It was and is hard to stay calm and not let emotions get the best of you. I am pregnant with two babies and being emotional for no reason is perfectly normal so add some pretty big reasons to be emotional to the equation and you can expect a hurricane.
On Thursday I had a pretty good day. It started with meeting with my doctor and her approving me to take my compressive exam (for my graduate school master’s degree) while at the hospital. My doctor put in my chart that no one was allowed in my room from 1-4 so that I complete the exam in this time frame. This made me so happy. If I were not allow to take the exam while at the hospital I would have had to wait until summer to do so and my degree would have been held. In the summer I will have two babies and I have been preparing for this exam since February! So when my doctor approved me to take the exam and when the dean of the program agreed to come to the hospital to administer the exam I was so happy and thankful. This was kind of funny to me because I spent the whole semester dreading this exam and then I was so excited to be able to take it.
Also on Thursday my doctors gave me wheelchair privileges so that Mike can take me around the hospital in a wheelchair, I am also allowed to go outside, and Mike is going to bring Lacey so I can see her. Lacey is my 6 year old cocker spaniel. She is my baby. For the past six years anytime I have been sick in bed my Lacey Lou has been glued by my side nursing me back to health. Being stuck in this bed without her as made me really miss her and made me really sad. I also hate that I can’t explain to her what is going on. I do not want her to feel like I have abandoned her. If I am here for six more weeks (the plan) I will have been away from her for 8 weeks and then I will come home with two babies. I don’t want her to think I have abandoned and replaced her! Love between a dog an owner is a special bond and I want my puppy dog to know how important she is to me. I hope that seeing her helps her and doesn’t hurt her. I am so excited about seeing her but also worried it will confuse and hurt her more.
As said in an early post, Thursday, Mike and I toured the NICU. While it was hard to see it helps us to be mentally prepared for what could be next for our babies. It is also motivation for me to keep these babies in the womb and be here in the hospital day after day. This helps remind me to be thankful when I have days that test my strength.
Thursday afternoon I had another ultrasound. The babies had plenty of fluid and where both appropriately practicing breathing. Both my cervix (I am still not dilated) and babies were stable. They will recheck everything again on Tuesday. So basically I am in the hospital on bed rest because of a shorten cervix with “two residents” (the doctor said that!) inside.
Friday flew by because I spent the whole day studying for my exam.
Today Saturday morning/afternoon was good. I studied for and took my exam while I am not 100% confident about it, I did my best and am so glad it’s over. I am proud of myself for choosing fight over flight. I think I did much better than if I put it off until summer. After the exam was when emotions set it and I had a challenging evening. Normally when you have a big important test to take when it is over you get to walk out the exam room and feel relief. Like…Wooowho it’s over, now I am going to go celebrate! Instead, the test was over, the professor left and I was still in the bed where I took the test; with no feeling of relief or yay let’s celebrate. I wanted to feel celebratory but instead I was bed bound. My dinner came; I lifted the cover and revealed mystery meat, green peas and carrots. This is when I lost it. It looked so gross I busted into tears. Not the yay finished graduate school exam dinner I had in mind! I have spent the next several hours crying and wanting to just go home. When Mike got here (he didn’t know what he was walking into) I begged him to take me home and then told him I was going to call a cab and go home myself. I was so serious I got dressed in regular clothes. But the truth is I am chicken shit and have been a rule follower my whole life. I am just starting to feel the denial and feel like I can do this is the comfort of my own home. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Mike told me the devil is testing my will.
After crying so hard I started throwing up, I called the nurse in for Zofran. To my good fortunate it was my favorite nurse. She was able to comfort and calm me down. I decided I needed to blog so I started and now I feel better and am going to bed.
I have had a few weak days but many strong ones and I am sure this cycle of challenging days and easy thankful days will continue for hopefully the next 6 weeks or more. While this is the hardest thing I have ever done there are many more important and long days and weeks ahead and I can’t quit.
Good night all and thank you for all your prayers.
Xoxo,
Heather
No comments:
Post a Comment