Blah, Blah, Blah

I was writing this blog in my head while driving to work this morning. I thought I would have some down time to write this, and now that I have a second, of course I forgot how I was going to write in this post.  I forget what I am allowed to say, what I am not allowed to say, what I shouldn’t say. There are so many things that I want to talk about, to write about, but I am afraid of the “wrong” person reading the post, or hurting someone’s feelings for putting this on the internet world.I guess I need to start and keep a more personal journal.

My life is a whirlwind right now. I don’t think I have EVER longed for or needed summer vacation more.

I feel like I am not doing a lot of things right, or good enough, and worry about what else I could be or should be doing.

Life is beautiful. My life is beautiful and I thank God every day for the precious moments I experience on a daily basis. There are so many times where I stop what I am doing and try to engrave the moment in my mind so I can forever hold on to the memory.

Like the other night at dinner when I was sad to be eating dinner "alone" yet again and then it was like a slap in the face, "I am not alone!" I pulled the babies up to the dinner table, said a prayer out loud with them, shared my dinner with them, and told them about my day, they laughed and giggled as I talked to them. It was a beautiful moment.

I also thank God for the stress and challenges he is throwing my way, my family’s way, as he tries to shape us into the people, the family we are supposed to be.

That’s the positive side of everything.

The negative side of things... I am starting to feel more drained and beat down.  I just feel like I can’t keep up with everything right now and this is not a feeling I amused to! I got home late last night due to Talent Show Rehearsal, earlier than expected around 6:30pm. We flew through the Act 1 dress rehearsal!  Mike had to leave to go back to work and ended up leaving about 15 minutes after I got home. This left me with baths and bottles  two fussy babies, right before bed time. I understand WHY he had to go, but this is such a constant it’s draining me. Mike lost yesterday, as a workday, because he spent the entire day in court. Yes court. He is losing today as a work day because we do not have child care. I am out of sick days and have huge professional responsibilities with the talent show so I couldn't stay home. He had cases due to a doctor yesterday but didn't meet his deadline due to court and a mistake with his supplier who sent his materials to his old office address. So yes I understand why he had to go to work last night.

Mike is underway more stress than I am, because of this I don’t think he understand how it impacts me. Now we have talked about it plenty of times so he has heard me tell him that I am stressed. I understand and see how everything that is happening is going to be good in the long run. But that doesn't help with the feelings at the present time. 

So last night I did what I had to do with the babies, ate dinner, relaxed for a minute, and then decided I need togo to bed. I looked around my house and immediately felt stressed, like I couldn't handle the situation. Baby toys everywhere, the kitchen counter filled with junk, my sink full of dirty dishes, the dish washer filled with clean dishes,the trash can overflowing. I literally said FUCK IT and went to bed. You must know that a dirty house drives me crazy. But I didn't care. I need help. I can’t do it all. 

Mike came home from work it was around midnight. I was asleep. And he said, “really, Heather you can’t clean the kitchen?”

Like I said he doesn't get it. Enter Heather, woke up from sleep, tempter tantrum, melt down and expressing all above emotions. Ends with a million Mike sorrys, and promises that everything thing will be taken care of when I get home today.

I leave with a poem that is so true. Be warn it left me in tears… If I hadn’t already posted this before, I meant to. So this may be a double post. 

Mother, O' Mother, come shake out your cloth,

Empty the dustpan,poison the moth.

Hang out the washing,make up the bed,

Sew on a button andbutter the bread.

Where is the motherwhose house is so shocking?

She's up in thenursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown asshiftless as Little Boy Blue,

Lullaby, rockaby,lullaby loo.

Dishes are waiting andbills are past due,

Pat-a-cake, darling,and peek - peekaboo.

The shopping's notdone and there's nothing for stew,

And out in the yardthere's a hullabaloo.

But I'm playing Kangaand this is my Roo.

Look! Aren't his eyesthe most wonderful hue?

Lullaby, rockaby,lullaby loo.

The cleaning andscrubbing can wait till tomorrow,

But children grow up,as I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs;Dust go to sleep!

I'm rocking my babyand babies don't keep.

~ Ruth HulbertHamilton