Twins' 1st birthday

Of course I will be excited and want to celebrate the twins’ first birthday.  But thinking back on the day they were born. It’s not like I have many happy memories... I know this sounds so bad. But I think it is something that only a preemie mother can understand.

I need to stop watching shows like “A birth story,” because they tend to upset me. I know that some people wonder if they will ever even be able to have children and I know I am blessed to have two beautiful healthy babies and I am grateful for them every day. So for these reasons I feel bad for thinking and feeling the way I do about how the babies came into the world. But regardless these feelings are still here.

When the babies came into the world they were premature by 7 weeks. I did not get to hold them or really see them. They held P up for a second, so I did see her but I was so nausea I couldn't enjoy the moment and then they were rushed out of the room. I didn't know how much they weighted or anything like that.

I was wheeled back to the L & D room and I felt so empty. I was pregnant and then in the blink of an eye I wasn’t and I was in a L&D room with no babies and no information on my babies.

So I have a hard time watching TV shows like “A birth story” because I did not have that moment where they lay the baby on your chest and you are the happiest you have ever been in your life, and you feel that instant and intense love everyone talks about. I don’t know what the feels like. I didn’t get that. When I think about it, it makes me sad, I feel like I was robbed in my birth experience. I feel like I am not allowed to say this because I am grateful and thankful and love my babies to death.

But I still feel this way. Maybe I need to talk about it to get over it.

Ever since I can remember, first time with Ross and Rachel had Emma on Friends. They laid Emma on Rachel’s chest, they cried, and kissed and were so happy. I remember sayings and thinking I can’t wait for that moment.

I know I am starting to ramble… but this is what happens when I start thinking about the twins’ 1^st birthday and what I want to do for the day.

I think I just want a small family gathering with the people who have been important to our family during the twins’ 1^st year of life. This day (their birthday) is a day to celebrate, but unfortunately I think it will also bring up some negative feelings. I know it shouldn’t be like that. I know it is a day to celebrate the amazing year we have had together. So maybe I need to start getting this negativity out now. I am trying to get these feelings out now by talking to other preemie moms, so I know that I am not bad for feeling this way, nor am I crazy.